Hopes and Expectations

I'm so down at the moment i don't know what to write.

I just feel like i need to write something to express myself.

The feeling is just so bad....

When i was in secondary, my hopes were high about the future. Everything was looking so bright. I got good scores, have a bunch of close friends and were constantly getting busy myself with something either entertaining or stupid funny. I was standing tall and proud of myself. Those were the great times and i was able to see myself happy in the future.

After graduating high school, i didn't know where to go exactly. I couldn't get to study what i wanted due to financial restraints. Then, i decided to go for STPM. After waiting for 6 months, the name list wasn't out yet. I was worried. All the colleges have started classes. If my name wasn't on the list, and all the affordable institute in the country has closed it's registration, what would i do then?

I had to enrol into one of the colleges first. Among the choices that i had, i chose a diploma in electronics engineering. I hated electronics then. I hated life in kl too. But life has to go on. Everything felt like a dream. A nightmare. One that begun the day i graduated from secondary school.

After 2 years, i started to look at electronics from another angle. I started to enjoy what i was doing. However, the nightmare hasn't ended. It was understood that i could only get education as high as higher diploma. Degree was out of the picture. There wasn't enough money to get me there. Hopes were shattered...

With the blink of an eye, four years passed and i got my advanced diploma in electronics engineering. There was a change of plans. Education loan was available from my college for students who wanted to further their studies in England for a degree. My life seemed brighter. For the four years i stayed in kl, everything was a bad dream. So many times, i hoped i would just wake up from this nightmare and everything would just restart at the day i leave highschool, where the world was still so bright ahead. I didn't know what i was doing. I had no directions in life. Suddenly, with this change of plan, everything that i went thru the 4 years seemed worth the while. I get to go the England. I can get a degree after all.

Better still, my dad told me i didn't have to get a loan at all. He could support me. Life was indeed brighter. To get myself a digital camera for my time in England, i worked as a full time sales girl in the kodak shop at klcc for 3 months before i head off to Sheffield. At the mean time, i was taking days off from work to make my arrangements for my degree. Consultation sessions about which university we were to go, English test, the registration, the payment etc. Numerous times i had to lie about my situation to my employer for my consecutive off days.

I remembered my first week at job. Working hours was from 10am til 10pm. The nature of the job was serving customers, so we had to stand. I stood like 10 hours everyday, reaching my place at about 11pm every nite. It was horrible. My feet felt like they were unattached from my body. Even taking a step back at the house at night brought unbearable pain. It felt like thousands of needle poking at the soles of my feet. My whole body was so tired. Each muscle ached when i moved. As days passed, my body adjusted itself to the environment. No longer did i feel tired nor painful. 3 months passed. I worked until the day before my flight departure and i got myself a digital camera plus some extra pocket money. Then i headed off to England.

After the completion of my degree, i started working almost right away as a marketing executive in a company at its initial set-up stage. It was just a temporary job until i could find a suitable job for my discipline. Eventually, i did. A lot of things happened and without realising much, i have been working for 2 years in my current industries.

Another feeling rose lately. I'm lost. Totally lost. At this moment, i don't know where i'm heading. I have been working in my current position for more than a year now. I felt like i'm still a freshie with no relevant experience on hand. I still feel i know nothing about the industries. The situation is almost like my talent is unexploited and as time passes, i will be left behind. There are fresh graduates every year, unlike me, their minds will be easier to mold. They learn faster. Their minds will be sharper than mine. They are YOUNG. All my friends who graduated with me are doing much better than i am. I feel so useless....

I cannot see my career path. I don't know where to head. It's just about 2 weeks ago that i heard of the term 'Quarter-life crisis'. I fit in the category perfectly. That's what i'm facing now. Having a job but getting nowhere is worst than not having a job. There aren't much expectation nowadays. I don't know what to expect anymore.

Those of you who understand my feelings, i thank you for your understanding. I'm glad i can share my feelings with you. For those who doesn't, please don't call me to quit and find another job because that's not going to help my situation. It'll only give me a few more headaches and more problems to ponder.