Here i am
I have 2 entries that i didn't complete since dunno when..
And here i am, writing another new entry when those 2 are not published yet.
Feel a bit 'sien' today.....
Time passes damn fast. Few more days and July will be here.
Darn...i haven't even complete half of my resolutions.
The other day, i recalled that my one of my resolutions is to make changes with my work.
Now, it's not that there hasn't been any change, but i feel that those changes are not enough.
One should NEVER feel enough for something, elsewise, there won't be room for improvement.
Disclaimer : That only applies to ME.
To achieve improvement is to constantly push yourself forward. Slacking in my office chair everyday is not gonna make anything happen, let alone the fact that those decision makings are not in my hands. So i gotta work something out right??
I think i ran out of my main topic. Okay, back to my changes in work.
So, recently, there has been a few small changes. Really small.
I got a raise and a change of employment contract from permanent contract to contract based employment. The raise of course is something to be happy for, right?? The changes in contract is not a bad thing too. After all, i get to join the Project Management Team, which is good, however, i still do the same shit: QAQC.
I have to think of a name for this QAQC thing.
Now, it's not that any of the above changes are not good. The problem is that, they are all PAPER wise only. Besides the wording ammendment in my contract, nothing else change.
I still sit in the same department, report to the same person and do the same work. So, tell me, is there any changes???
You see, when there is no changes, people around you can give you so much advice and tell you that they will teach you, help you out with new task when your 'changes' happen. They describe to you how beautiful the rainbow is because you can't see it for yourself yet.
After the 'changes' did happen, the only thing i hear are negative, moral degrading statements: No, you can't cope with that. That is too much for you. I guarantee it won't work.
So, where is the beautiful rainbow that was once described to me??
My guess is that because Rainbow itself is a very beautiful thing and people like to hear beautiful things. And when you can't see the blue sky yet, people describe the Rainbow to you. They will tell you how beautiful the Rainbow is after the cloudy and rainy days. However, that Rainbow is imaginary. Even if you have blue sky, but you might never see a Rainbow. That's why people like to describe Rainbow to you, because in the end, if they don't tell you where the rainbow is, you can't find it.
Well, maybe not totally cannot find it. Just takes longer time to find it.
So i wonder...why make the effort of describing the Rainbow when you don't have intentions to bring the person to see it?? And when the sky clears out, you just hastily say that Rainbows are hard to locate.
I believe nothing in life comes easy, so talks about how difficult things are when i have the intention to source it out just tells me what that person is all about. Crap talking.
Why can't you just lend a helping hand? It's not as if you have to lead me all your life. I just need a hand to grab on when i'm still at my initial steps to climb the mountains to see the Rainbow. Once i know the surroundings and got hold of my breathe, i'll no longer need your hand but climb on my own. By then, you can have a partner with you side by side when you need help.
But in the end, it's not an oblingation that you have to lend me a hand, right? It's just what i expected from a friend and i am wrong. By not offering one, you just let me know i am not your friend.
The way things are now might change in the future and if that happens, i hope we will not cross path because a part of me will remember what happen today and i might seek avenge.
Sad, isn't it?? All the while, i thought we are friends. Well, maybe you don't want to see me rise easily?? Worry not. I'll reach there in the end.
There is always one motto in my life and that's my principle of living: If you can do it, i can do it too because i do not think i'm weaker than anyone. Maybe that's why i am so stubborn all my life.
Suddenly, something cross my mind. Being with Ni changes me a bit. Somehow, i don't mind helping people. Taking extra efforts to help some people and go the extra miles to lend a helping hand isn't so difficult.
And why is that? Because he always says: As long as it is in our ability, we do whatever we can to help. It doesn't cost a dime. By the end of the day, we know we did our part.
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P.S. : Okay, so i updated my previous unfinished entries and posted it.
Labels: Down hill, Hopes and Expectations
