Hopes and Expectations

I'm so down at the moment i don't know what to write.

I just feel like i need to write something to express myself.

The feeling is just so bad....

When i was in secondary, my hopes were high about the future. Everything was looking so bright. I got good scores, have a bunch of close friends and were constantly getting busy myself with something either entertaining or stupid funny. I was standing tall and proud of myself. Those were the great times and i was able to see myself happy in the future.

After graduating high school, i didn't know where to go exactly. I couldn't get to study what i wanted due to financial restraints. Then, i decided to go for STPM. After waiting for 6 months, the name list wasn't out yet. I was worried. All the colleges have started classes. If my name wasn't on the list, and all the affordable institute in the country has closed it's registration, what would i do then?

I had to enrol into one of the colleges first. Among the choices that i had, i chose a diploma in electronics engineering. I hated electronics then. I hated life in kl too. But life has to go on. Everything felt like a dream. A nightmare. One that begun the day i graduated from secondary school.

After 2 years, i started to look at electronics from another angle. I started to enjoy what i was doing. However, the nightmare hasn't ended. It was understood that i could only get education as high as higher diploma. Degree was out of the picture. There wasn't enough money to get me there. Hopes were shattered...

With the blink of an eye, four years passed and i got my advanced diploma in electronics engineering. There was a change of plans. Education loan was available from my college for students who wanted to further their studies in England for a degree. My life seemed brighter. For the four years i stayed in kl, everything was a bad dream. So many times, i hoped i would just wake up from this nightmare and everything would just restart at the day i leave highschool, where the world was still so bright ahead. I didn't know what i was doing. I had no directions in life. Suddenly, with this change of plan, everything that i went thru the 4 years seemed worth the while. I get to go the England. I can get a degree after all.

Better still, my dad told me i didn't have to get a loan at all. He could support me. Life was indeed brighter. To get myself a digital camera for my time in England, i worked as a full time sales girl in the kodak shop at klcc for 3 months before i head off to Sheffield. At the mean time, i was taking days off from work to make my arrangements for my degree. Consultation sessions about which university we were to go, English test, the registration, the payment etc. Numerous times i had to lie about my situation to my employer for my consecutive off days.

I remembered my first week at job. Working hours was from 10am til 10pm. The nature of the job was serving customers, so we had to stand. I stood like 10 hours everyday, reaching my place at about 11pm every nite. It was horrible. My feet felt like they were unattached from my body. Even taking a step back at the house at night brought unbearable pain. It felt like thousands of needle poking at the soles of my feet. My whole body was so tired. Each muscle ached when i moved. As days passed, my body adjusted itself to the environment. No longer did i feel tired nor painful. 3 months passed. I worked until the day before my flight departure and i got myself a digital camera plus some extra pocket money. Then i headed off to England.

After the completion of my degree, i started working almost right away as a marketing executive in a company at its initial set-up stage. It was just a temporary job until i could find a suitable job for my discipline. Eventually, i did. A lot of things happened and without realising much, i have been working for 2 years in my current industries.

Another feeling rose lately. I'm lost. Totally lost. At this moment, i don't know where i'm heading. I have been working in my current position for more than a year now. I felt like i'm still a freshie with no relevant experience on hand. I still feel i know nothing about the industries. The situation is almost like my talent is unexploited and as time passes, i will be left behind. There are fresh graduates every year, unlike me, their minds will be easier to mold. They learn faster. Their minds will be sharper than mine. They are YOUNG. All my friends who graduated with me are doing much better than i am. I feel so useless....

I cannot see my career path. I don't know where to head. It's just about 2 weeks ago that i heard of the term 'Quarter-life crisis'. I fit in the category perfectly. That's what i'm facing now. Having a job but getting nowhere is worst than not having a job. There aren't much expectation nowadays. I don't know what to expect anymore.

Those of you who understand my feelings, i thank you for your understanding. I'm glad i can share my feelings with you. For those who doesn't, please don't call me to quit and find another job because that's not going to help my situation. It'll only give me a few more headaches and more problems to ponder.

KK Trip

My first impression on KK was that it's a very developed city.

Much more develop than our hornbill state. Why is it so?? How come it's more developed than our cities?? Answers to that question, we have to ask our Hornbill government.

We walked along the road near the river side. I saw quite a few fishing boats along the river.



There's an dry market selling fruits and veges. After that, there's also big pasar malam ( i was there in the evening). A very big one, selling all sorts of food, including fresh fruits and vege straight from the mountain.


The sunset.

Then, there is also this big handicraft market inside a native-looking building with about at least 50 stalls inside selling all sorts of handicrafts. All of the stalls sell 2 things in common. South sea pearls and crystal. Swarovski crystal, or so they claimed.


I love the evening sky.

They are sold as accessories such as necklaces, bracelets, earrings, pendants. The design varies from stall to stall as the stall keepers make the accesories themselves. The pearls are also sold as individual single bead. They come in 2 colors. Black pearls and the normal pearlish-white color that we usually see. The symmetrical pearls are considered the best i think coz their prices are very high. There are also those oblong shaped pearls, which is so much cheaper.

I bought one bracelet myself. A simple design. Very cheap. Cost only RM20.



It's so cheap because it has only few beads of oblong pearls on it as you can see the from the design yourself.

I compared it with my other fake plastic pearl necklace.


The imitation.

I made a comparison for the pearls.




Left: south sea pearl Right: Imitation

The fake pearl mirrors the surrounding more clearly while the so-called south sea pearl have an array of blue-pinkish colors glowing from within.

Further down, there's food outlets, selling seafood and western dishes.


That's the river side. You see how clear the water is??

Then after that, we went back to out hotel, took a shower, a short rest and head out again for dinner. Had a couple of drinks and head back to the hotel again.

I watched tv. For about 15 min. Then i went to bed.



Can you guess the movie??




The next day was work. First time in the KK office. I notice something about the buildings though.



Have you notice anything?



That's all for my trip to KK. ^_^

Why we lock ourselves up?

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Yesterday...

Yesterday, i'd been to KK for the first time. It's a much much better shopping city than cities in the state of hornbills. More complex and the major common brands are there. I saw Padini Concept shop, Seed, Esprit, G2000 ... u know?


Yesterday, was my first visit to our KK office. Also, the office was so much nicer than what we have in hornbill state. It's located in a building dedicated as office lots. It's quiet, clean, polished and best of all, new. With a small team of staff, everything works nicely. I saw teamwork in them.


Yesterday, was the first overnite outstation trip i had with my superior. It went well. In fact, much better than i expected. He was at ease, funny and outspoken. He brought me around KK as much as he could on foot, since we have no transport around. We chatted and he told me about the golden years he had when he partied and performed. About how much he enjoyed them and the stresses he's going thru now.


Yesterday, i sent my first condolences out to my cousins. My uncle passed away at the age of 63. A cancerous death. For a man who didn't smoke, ate healthily and lived in rural areas most of his life, he got lung cancer. Ironic, isn't it. So enjoy life while you can. If he didn't undergo the surgery and chemo, he might still be alive today. At least he didn't have to go thru the painful stage and would live longer. He chose surgery because he wanted to live longer, but in the end, it wasn't what he wanted. 18 months from diagnosis to funeral. So short, isn't it?


Yesterday was the day that make me realise that our lives are so short. In the midst of busy-ness, we forgot to look around us. Time passes so fast that we don't realise something is gone until it's too late. Years pass by. By the time we really open up our eyes and appreciate the people around us, half of them are gone. By the time we truly appreciate life itself, we will be too old to do anything. Be humble. Be thankful. For it is such good quality that makes us grateful for everything we have. It is such mindset that keeps one happy and be generous enough to help the unfortunates. I hope to learn it. I want to learn those. The first one would be thankfulness. I believe thankfulness brings appreciation which eventually will bring me good life. For if one is thankful, one will not ask for more. When you are content of everything, you will be happy. Life will be good. ^_^

P.S.: I'm really learning to be thankful and grateful.

Emotions

My emotions are like calm weather now. Empty blue sky with no clouds. Complete blankness. Not sunny. Just some smoothing wind, giving a sense of easiness.


Just blankness.


Seldom do you see thunderstorms and lightnings. Of course it does come, but it's a rare occasion.

Let's just hope the thunder doesn't strike on you when it happens.



Occasionally, you will see some gloomy sky and when it is, keep clear of the way. Being caught in a gloomy day is not nice.


It usually clears out in a couple of hours.



Sometimes, it's just sad days. Feeling sad and down for no apparent reason.


A hollowness inside. Deep within....



There will be refreshing days too. Being able to take the challenges and brave to face the fears where experience of the past is just gonna build a stronger personality.


Challenges in life that we are bound to take.



Once in a while, the feeling of reborn will surface when something is achieved. Tomorrow's gonna be a better day.


There will be a better tomorrow, where everything will be alright.


Most of the times, it will be sunshine. Happiness. Popping into every corners around.


You might get infected. It's a good thing.



Certain times, everything feels so miraculously wonderful and mysterious. And a feeling of gratitude comes along for being able to see it for oneself.


Isn't that a wonder?



Once in a blue moon, a sense of anticipation will arise out of nowhere. Waiting for someone to come, something to happen.. but what is it?


And the anticipation just don't stop even when nothing is gonna show up..



The feeling of lost happens. Not knowing what to do and where to head. When attempts are made but awarded with disappointment, giving up hopes seem to be the only way...


With no sense of direction... not knowing where to head.


Guardians angel don't often come along. When they do, a path is shown. Streaks of light penetrate their way thru the misty fog of abandoness and once again leads the way out.



P.S: I have to reload these photos so many times in order for them to show up in my entry. It took me days. Something wrong with the blogger?